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Tuesday, March 10th, 2009
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12:29 pm
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First of all, I am feeling loads better today than I was yesterday, and it's tough to say why, really...I knew it as soon as I woke up. Even through the inordinate exhaustion that I also can't really explain. I think my dreams are very draining sometimes. Not really restful.
I've been writing more, mostly journal entries, but even with keeping that up I am amazed at how good it makes me feel. Been thinking very metaphysically lately, I suppose; thinking about the big stuff, the longer-term stuff, the big picture. The blanket, if that's what you're into.
And it's all right, it's all all right.
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| Monday, March 9th, 2009
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5:23 pm
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Feeling very overwhelmed lately by personal issues.
Work life is dissatisfying.
Slightly disappointed by Watchmen movie but overall thought Snyder did a good job.
I miss Conor...
Been feeling like I know what's best for everyone lately, which I obviously don't.
Nobody listens anyway.
But, on the flip side of the coin, an old friend seems to be back in town. So to speak.
I wish it would stop snowing.
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| Monday, February 2nd, 2009
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4:10 pm
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He will be back here in no more than two weeks. Possibly less than one. I can seriously barely contain myself. I am really in that "follow you to the ends of the earth" phase right now - and I know it never lasts, and I know circumstances are not the least bit conducive to any kind of relationship. But right now...goddamn, it feels good. :-)
And if it turns out it's over too fast
I'll make every last moment last
As long as you're mine
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| Monday, January 26th, 2009
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5:19 pm
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I am kind of miserable at my job, not with the specific job but just what it represents, namely our spending most of our lives doing completely irrelevant tasks just to keep food on the table, when we all have other things we could be doing with our lives that would have so much more meaning.
My disenfranchisement seems to be making itself known lately by way of sarcasm and bitchiness.
Conor is coming to Boston right round about Valentine's Day, for two weeks. I am most excited, though obviously after that he'll be gone again, for longer. I am really only focusing on the present right now, the very immediate future, which as we all know if playing with fire. The heart wants what it wants?
Charlotte turned 1 yesterday, which is borderline inconceivable to me. Keri's due with the second baby in June, and they're finding out the sex next week. Coincidentally, yesterday was also the thirteenth anniversary of my mother's death. Such a strange thing to have happened. That, folks, is a diagram of the universe's need for balance.
I am Jack's growing sense of bemused awareness.
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| Friday, January 16th, 2009
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5:05 pm
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| Wednesday, January 7th, 2009
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5:26 pm
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I am so perplexed by so many things. When am I not? Why can't I understand my own motivations half the time?
But like a tire tread it gives me something to push off of. If nothing else positive comes of all the weird then at least it should give me fodder to create.
And blah, blah, blah blah blah.
Thinking of becoming a bartender. I am not efficient in my current job.
Practicing much more guitar. Getting a computer soon.
Never getting married. Probbaly never having kids.
Preparing to wander the earth like gypsy nomad for duration of life.
Yeah, this is getting weird.
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| Monday, December 29th, 2008
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12:26 am
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Ah, another year almost over. 2008, what a long, strange trip you've been.
I really believe that 2009 is going to be the best year ever.
I don't actually have much to say.
Good night.
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| Friday, December 19th, 2008
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3:42 pm - 2008!
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I always get to the end of the year and see all kinds of people saying "This year blew!" Buuuut...I actually rocked the shit out of my 2008. So, here's to the same for 2009! :-)
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Became an aunt, bought an electric guitar, had a one night stand with someone I met at a bar, modeled, paid $180 for a haircut, turned 24, moved to Revere, followed a band around, at least to 2 consecutive shows.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t think I really made any. But I’m happy with how it’s gone. And I think I might make some for this year
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
yes! My sister Keri had Charlotte Rose, who is almost 11 months J
4. Did anyone close to you die?
my sweet Great Aunt Mary, in March
5. What countries did you visit?
just this one, and the US Virgin Islands, which I’m gonna count.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
more money!
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
haha, a lot of them will. 7/19 was a very good one. Sort of fell in love that day.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
owning the single life.
9. What was your biggest failure?
taking so long to let go of the past
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
had a cold…other than that, nope!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new apartment
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
mine
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Matt’s, and that of several other men.
14. Where did most of your money go?
concerts, food, rent.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Bonnaroo, moving to Revere.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Neighborhood #3 (Power Out) by Arcade Fire, and One by U2, and Viva la Vida, and pretty much anything by Gogol Bordello
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier, hands down.
ii. thinner or fatter? Slightly thinner
iii. richer or poorer? Mmm…pretty much even.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
art
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
worrying
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with my family in Lowell
21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
that is hard to say. Not a huge phone person.
22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yes.
23. How many one-night stands?
um…several.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Weeds, Dexter, House, Cold Case.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
nah, I don’t hate
26. What was the best book you read?
I Just Want my Pants Back by David Cohen
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Gogol Bordello!
28. What did you want and get?
haha…yeah, attention covers it.
29. What did you want and not get?
to stay in St. John longer
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I guess The Dark Knight
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 24, had a big dinner at PF Chang’s with about a dozen people, got kicked out of the Pour House, went back to Jamie’s, and made out with someone I was infatuated with in the basement. It was a good time.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If the person I fell in love with hadn’t been in the military.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
ummm mostly business casual, for work’s sake
34. What kept you sane?
my therapist
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Chris Martin
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the whole election hullabaloo…Sarah Palin, specifically. Good Christ.
37. Who did you miss?
Matt for the first half of the year, Conor for the second.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
I have met a whole fuckton of people this year, haha. Technically I met Conor in 2007, but…
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Life is short, nothing wrong with living it up. Oh, and that relationships are ridiculously draining. But I already knew that.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
If we are here not to do
What you and I wanna do
And go forever crazy with it,
Why the hell we are even here?
Thank you, Eugene Hutz :-)
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| Wednesday, December 10th, 2008
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1:15 pm
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So, there's this guy.
He absolutely infuriates me, about half the time, and the other half, I am completely crazy about him.
He is on the other side of the world.
He inspires me to change my lazy slovenly undisciplined ways.
I feel an aura of indifference from him sometimes.
It makes me want to work harder.
Along with everything else, this guy is one of the influences that's stressing me out beyond belief at the moment. I can NEVER TELL what he is thinking. Enigmatic. Undefinable.
All I want is for him to see me as the best I can be. Not that there's any merit in living one's life or striving to reach one's goals for anyone else's benefit, naturally, but...
Goddammit, I am a fool for him.
/end emo venting
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1:27 am
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It's so warm out tonight, and windy, the weather is just so odd for December.
Shitty things always happen at the beginning of December...since 1995. I swear.
I want to write a whole bunch of things that I really have no business posting in a public place.
This year has been a fucking trip. I can't believe it's almost over. No idea what to expect from 2009. Well, no point expecting anything at all, I guess. Except from myself.
Everything is WEIRD right now...ca c'est la vie.
It's so strange how lately I'm just having the most wild swings from feeling awesome, and being thrilled with my place in the world, to feeling completely lost and inadequate.
And the words I think and type continue to be horrible cliches. Is there a feeling in the world that's yet to be felt, I ask you. Certainly not.
Inspiration, I am ready for you.
Oh, I posed as Dead Juliet for an art student in Mission Hill today. It was pretty fun.
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| Tuesday, November 25th, 2008
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4:32 pm
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I am
losing
my mind
WTF else is new, eh? I have a lot of stress on me right now, I suppose. Intrinsic, extrinsic. Tangible, imaginary. Who knows.
Been doing a lot of weird things. Toeing the line.
Watching a shit ton of House - Rhiannon, if you read this, I'm sure you'll appreciate that. :-)
Hmmmm
Creative juices are flowing, that's one word for it.
More of a tempest, really.
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| Monday, October 6th, 2008
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3:30 pm - just waiting till the shine wears off
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I'm feeling perfectly wretched today, and have been for a little while now. I hate myself when I get like this. Why can I keep myself happy sometimes and not others?
It isn't anything specific, really, I wish it were, as you can't treat a problem without knowing where it comes from. (Much like global warming, Palin, you dumb asshole.)
So...bad timing, maybe. The onset of autumn never does anything good for me. I've got Meg and Bri's wedding this weekend and I get to dress up and have my hair done and dance, so hopefully that'll pick me up.
I know it's hard to understand this feeling if you haven't felt it for yourself. Words are inadequate. It's like white noise blocking out rational thoughts, it's like...a bunch of rocks weighing down your sense of self. Self-loathing has a lot to do with it - and it's damned frustrating. Like a heavy coat that you hate but can't get the zipper to work so it's stuck on you. And you're in tears, you're so frustrated and desperate, and everybody you walk by is just disgusted by your histrionics, and by your laziness for not just taking the damn thing off. Or maybe they're not, but, it sure as hell feels that way at the time.
I'm writing like I'm IN it, but I'm not in it, not yet...just on my way to it. I need a lifeline.
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| Sunday, September 28th, 2008
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2:45 pm
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I am experiencing a confusing time in life, I guess. I saw it coming. Everything made too much sense for a while. Right now I'm kind of...in need of...I'm not sure what. Something real.
I think it may have actually stopped raining. Imagine that.
Insanity occurs when you have something inside of you building up until breaking point, and something keeps you from letting it out, so everything misfires and crushes itself in the stampede to find an exit.
I think I've always been the same song on an endless loop. Maybe we all are.
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| Thursday, September 18th, 2008
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3:42 pm - Was that a compliment?
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Walking back to work from therapy, I gave a cigarette to a somewhat dubious-looking man named Terry, who told me - and i may have misheard him, but I don't think I did - that I have "pretty-ass eyes."
...charmed, I'm sure.
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12:38 am - amidst the strangeness and charm
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Things have been so lovely and strange.
Living in Revere makes everything different, as I knew it would. I'm 20 minutes from work, for one thing. I have a beach 90 seconds from my front door. And not at all least importantly, I'm out of that wretched apartment in Lowell.
Emotionally things have maybe been a bit trying, but when aren't they? Breaking up with Matt at the beginning of the year has also changed everything, of course. Sometimes I wonder what life experiences I would have accumulated so far this year if we had stayed together; and there's just no comparison, I mean, it goes without saying. I've done so much this year, probably more than I did in all the time I spent with Matt. I think it's fair to say that I'm an entirely different person than I was a year ago.
I've been to loads of concerts this year - let's see, starting from the beginning: Jimmy Eat World, Langhorne Slim, Apocalyptica, KT Tunstall, Bob Dylan, Panic! at the Disco, Bonnaroo (the highlights of which included: Gogol Bordello, Sigur Ros, Metallica, Pearl Jam, Bela Fleck, I can't remember what else at the moment but additionally the life experience that is BONNAROO), The Hush Sound, !!!, Mark Knopfler, Gogol Bordello two nights in a row, in Hampton and then Providence; and...that's all I can remember so far but I'm going to see Sigur Ros again on Friday.
Megan and Brian's wedding is next month, and my bridesmaid dress is waiting for me at the bridal shop in Plaistow, and I can't WAIT to wear it. :-)
Lots more exciting fun has also happened, but I won't bore you.
What else is up...oh, I HATE HATE HATE Sarah Palin, I think it's frankly irresponsible that she should be put in such a position, and I'm praying that McCain doesn't get elected. Just the fact that he and Obama are so close in the polls is appalling to me. I can't wrap my mind around it. After the last eight years...
On a more positive note, my stepmother has very kindly lent me her old laptop until such a time as she needs it again, so I may actually start doing more blogging. I'm dying to take it to a Starbucks, just 'cause.
I'm still working at Mercury in Boston, been there close to three and a half years now. Time keeps on marching forward, as ever it has done. I think may say things like this a bit too often for anyone to take me entirely seriously; but, I truly feel more alive than I ever have before. And maybe that is an admirable goal in life - to be able to say that every day.
Oh, also, if you have not read Watchmen by Alan Moore, make it a priority. It will change your life a little.
current mood: lucid
current music: Paula Cole - Road to Dead
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| Tuesday, September 9th, 2008
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5:16 pm - Furthermore Susan
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When it rains...
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1:13 pm
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I'm a bit tired of dealing with unreasonable people, I have to say.
At work right now I'm on an issue where we sent a package UPS when it was supposed to go FedEx, and UPS lost it, and the customer is RIPSHIT and has been screaming her lungs out at whoever happens to be on the other end of the phone line at the time. I wonder if she has a husband, or loved ones, and if so if that's how she talks to them.
I scribbled some paragraphs while travelling through one of the underwater tunnels in Boston recently which I feel are very promising.
I have been a little stressed out lately.
I'm going to dye my hair dark brown this weekend, I think.
If McCain and Palin win the election I will start researching other countries to live in. France sounds nice. They automatically get eight weeks of vacation a year in Europe.
This is kind of interesting in a way that smacks a little of conspiracy theory, but also a little of the truth...: http://whatreallyhappened.com/WRHARTICLES/ifiwere2.html
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| Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
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4:22 pm
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This whole year has been so fucking interesting.
Came off the very messy breakup with Matt right at the beginning of the year. Had a series of adventures. Am now in love with someone who right now is basically as far away from me geographically as he can get without starting to come back.
So...that sucks. Also, when he does come back, it's likely to be only briefly.
But love is nice, however fleeting it may be.
Krista and Kyle and I are living in Revere Beach now. Our apartment is amazing, and it's a block from the beach and the T stop. The kitchen is beautiful, my room is huge, and we all feel really good about all of it. I'm going to get a laptop as soon as I've got my bills squared away.
I've been doing a lot of writing, mostly scribbles, but it adds up.
Now to get my feet squarely planted and start figuring out what I'm going to do next.
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| Friday, August 29th, 2008
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4:36 pm
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| Monday, August 25th, 2008
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5:07 pm
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